I have never been good at coping with my emotions and feelings.
I would much rather forget them as a whole and totally just live without it.
Is that considered a form of escape? Me escaping from my problems?
I guess I will never know until the day come, when problems start surfacing.
Sometimes
I just wonder to myself did I really change or am I just putting up a strong
front for my friends and family...
If I really am just placing a strong front
for people around me, then who am I really deep within.
Am I confused or afraid or both?
I
complicate myself. I don’t even know if anyone out there really know the
real me.
Every time I tear a wall down to let people in. Instinctively, I build
another and the cycle goes on. Trust issues i guess,
I need to stop digging too deep into my problems. Like a wooden plank on top
of my grave I dug for myself, and this plank would just break into pieces and I would fall.
"The lesser you think about it, the faster your answer comes. The more you think, the more clouded your answers are."
I
used to think “But things work out, you know. Even if it doesn't feel okay for
a long time, or even if it feels like things will never be okay again,
everything works out in the end.” Now I just question my actions. Why did I
confronted? Why didn't I just continue my life? Why I
took on this path? Simply my life was just a question of why.
With
every heart break I realize what I want, and what I deserve. With every piece
of my heart taken and thrown away, I began to build a wall around the pieces
left to protect myself. Guard myself with walls so high no one can get around
it. Locked my heart and throw the keys far. I began to trust people less
and was so sure that everyone who enters my life will eventually leave.
I wasn't this girl. I used to be the girl who let her guard down so easily that just anyone
could come in, say a few sweet words and have my heart handed over to them. I
used to have my heart on my sleeve all the time, put effort and time into every
relationship even though it was not reciprocated. I constantly held on to faith
and hope, hoping that things will somehow work itself out and I will have my happily ever after. But things don’t always happen that way.
I
finally saw how broken I was. How I have destroyed myself over and over again.
“Okay”,
“I’m fine”, “just stay away”… pretty much sums up my
entire few months, keeping myself within the castle from others and just be
alone.
I live in a castle with tall walls and armed guards to protect myself
from everyone who tries to get in, enter my world. Sometimes people need to
just stay away from me.
We are all angels of our soul, spare your mind to spare your soul.
with so little i remember, i wonder how long is it gonna take for me to restore.
